why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
