Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
