Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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