Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
