Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We just shotgunned beers for America
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
