'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
