M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
