She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize