I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
