So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
