my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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