I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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