peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
