Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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