Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
