hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
