guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
