Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
