I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
