I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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