Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You've changed since you got that strap on
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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