where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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