i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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