Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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