:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
