His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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