Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
