I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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