If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
