Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
