True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
