i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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