I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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