I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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