I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
