sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
