But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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