why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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