My sheets look like a crime scene.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
