dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
