Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
