I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Randomize
