Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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