Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
