idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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