Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
