So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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