forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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