After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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