I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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