Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
