weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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