The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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