and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
