I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
