And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
