I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
