how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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