I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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